i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
