I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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