Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
