So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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