I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
