Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
