Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
