Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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