Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
