he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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