Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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