My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
