At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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