Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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