i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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