did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
