I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
