So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm having to shit out rocks
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