if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
