I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
