I am midnight drunk by noon
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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