Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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