i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
