I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
