That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
