Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
