I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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