You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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