All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
