Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
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A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
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You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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