I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have fence marks all over my body
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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