so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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