Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
