There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
