headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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