Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
