$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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