hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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