he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
