I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
someone owes me an orgasm
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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