i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
