omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
