I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
