I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im six kinds of drunk right now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
