Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
