My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
