Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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