My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
