two words: eviction party
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
