the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have aggressive nipples.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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