"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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