I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
