how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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