the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
