She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
