i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
