When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
