Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's official drugs can't kill me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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