soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
