I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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