Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
