I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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