My room smells like vodka and shame
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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