What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
